The Marauders' Letter From Death
by nightlyroses
Summary: James, Sirius, and Remus aren't happy to find what fanfiction writers have been writing about them and their friends.


**AN:** Please don't take this seriously. I personally LOVE all the AUs everyone comes up with! All the fanfiction bashing is for pure humour and entertainment. Carry on with the creative fanfiction you all make!

 **AN 2:** Remus =  underlined, James = **bold** , and Sirius = _italics_.

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Dear Fanfiction Writers and Readers,

Hello, this is Remus John Lupin writing to you from the magical side of Death. Let us cut to the chase. My friends and I all have a bone to pick with all of you. Sirius is forcing me to write bluntly so I am sorry if any feelings are hurt. We have witnessed TOO MANY mistakes and changes while going through this Muggle website (thanks a lot, Lily), and some of them are just TOO MUCH to handle. Don't believe us? Start us off, James.

 **Thank you, Remus. Folks, my name is James I-Will-Not-Reveal-My-Middle-Name-To-You Potter. My parents are Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, NOT Charlus and Dorea Potter or any other OCs you've made (it's perfectly understandable if you did that before the information on my family was released but AFTER?). I am the true father of Harry James Potter, NOT Snivellous Snape or Voldywarts or Sirius or whoever else you lot picked. Seriously, why are you questioning my Lily's love for me or completely omitting it altogether? It's very offensive to both of us, you know. We have ONE SON, not a daughter nor twins (which includes the "we ditch Harry altogether for the wrong Boy-Who-Lived" bullshit). Merlin, these AUs are getting ridiculous. And stop pairing up my son with that ferret or Snivellous or any of those slimy Slytherins! I've been watching my son since Hallowe'en of 1981, and I KNOW that he is happy with that lovely girl Ginny Weasley (Fabian and Gideon do approve, by the way).**

 **Moving on to mistakes that can be fixed or not, I would like to point out that I didn't wear glasses first year. I won't tell you when I started to, but clearly it was before that OWL incident. Lily and I started dating BEFORE Christmas of 1977 because we met with her sister and her sister's fiancé during the holidays. Not AFTER. Lily and I went into hiding only a WEEK before (not several months) Hallowe'en –**

Prongs?

 **What?**

You're about to break the quill.

 **Sorry. I'll stop writing now.**

 _Hello, ladies and gentleman. My name is Sirius My-Middle-Name-Is-Not-Confirmed-To-Be-Orion-To-You-Lot Black. My so-called parents were second cousins (ugh) Walburga and Orion Black. My brother was Regulus Arcturus Black. I am NOT married. Moony and I were NEVER involved together (we're both straight, thank you very much) so please stop with the "Wolfstar" bullshit. It's getting uncomfortable around us (dear Tonks won't stop glaring at me, the poor girl)._

 _I am MALE. Luckily, there aren't that many "fem!Sirius" works around, but it's still a very painful blow to my ego_ (which is good) _(shut up, Moony). All those OCs you pair me up with are nonexistent, and I am getting sick of you lot basically faking my love life. I neither confirm nor deny any relationships with Order members, including Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadowes, Emmeline Vance, etc. I was never in love with Lily (she belongs to Prongs, for Merlin's sake!) or Tonks (she's my cousin!)._

 _The WORST part is when you pair me up with a female Harry or one of his friends! FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, WHY ARE YOU TURNING ME INTO A PEDOPHILE?! I NEARLY THREW UP WHEN READING A PIECE THAT HAD ME GOING AT IT WITH A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD! ARE YOU ALL OUT OF YOUR MINDS?! THAT'S JUST THE SICKEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF, AND I HAD BELLATRIX FOR A COUSIN! WHY YOU LITTLE –_

Excuse me, Padfoot. Hello, everyone. It's Remus again. Unlike my hotheaded mates here, I will be talking to you lot as calmly as I can. My parents are Lyall and Hope Lupin, NOT a pair of OCs you lot come up with to satisfy your incomplete knowledge. I have no siblings _(just like I have no sisters)_ (it's my turn, Padfoot), and I NEVER dated at Hogwarts. Tonks is my first and only love so please stop pairing me up with OCs, Sirius, Lily **(THANK YOU)** (stop interrupting, Prongs), and ESPECIALLY Harry or any of his friends. Like Padfoot stated before, why are you making me out to be a pedophile? It's very degrading in my opinion. It was bad enough to be a werewolf but to be a werewolf and a pedophile? Are you trying to ruin what was left of my life? Prongs was almost ready to kill both me and Padfoot the first time we read one of those pieces. So please stop before you destroy what's left of my dignity.

That's all we can think of for now. We will edit this if we need any more changes. I would say good day to you all, but in this case –

 _SCREW ALL OF YOU!_

…Thanks, Padfoot.

Signed,

 **James "Prongs" Potter**

 _Sirius "Padfoot" Black_

Remus "Moony" Lupin

The Marauders

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 **AN 3:** Reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance to those who do!

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 **Reply to guest review 21/7/16:** Thank you for your positive feedback! And you're right about the fact that Sirius _does_ in fact have a sibling. I actually meant the fact that he doesn't have any sisters since there are quite a few fics out there that insert an OC sister for Sirius and Regulus. But don't worry; I fixed it.


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